Adventures Of Willy Beamish, The
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  • Dynamix
  • Dynamix
  • Adventure - General, Other
  • 1993
  • 1
  • Sega CD internal or Ram cartridge save
  • ?
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6  |  Not Much Of An Adventure
Darryl B. , 4/10/2005 12:24:04 AM
First off, to make one thing immediately clear, The Adventures of Willy Beamish (which I'm shortening to Willy Beamish -- or just Beamish -- from now on) barely makes a rating of six out of 10 from me, due to the hilarity of it. As far as to it being rated as an actual "game", though, it ranks only at about a two or so, which I'll get to.


One thing that I consider to be amusing is all the perks companies get from kissing butt and all: whenever you bought a Sega Genesis back in the day (and probably the 32X, Sega CD, Saturn, and/or Game Gear, I imagine), once you turned in your registration card for whatever gaming product you purchased, you'd receive a free subscription to SegaVisions, the official Sega mag. If Sega devoted a good one or two page feature on an upcoming game, they'd praise the hell out of it, even if the game, in reality, stunk like day old dog crap sitting in the Texas sun after a skunk sprayed it; however, if the game only got a simple one paragraph review in it's review pages, Sega could say as many bad things about the game as they liked (probably if the company that made it didn't buy a big enough ad for their mag [or none at all], I imagine). (And even MORE amusing was when Funcoland came out and did *their* gaming mag, which one of their employees told me that Sega threatened them with lawsuits for slamming some of their games...come now, Sega: freedom of speech, freedom of speech; sheesh.)

Case in point: since it was one of the first cds EVER for the Sega CD console, Willy Beamish loads so AGONIZINGLY slow (note: this is in regards to playing it on the first Sega CD console, which had only 1X CD loading speed; the later second model ran at a whopping 2X speed, so hopefully it runs a bit faster on that console, which I don't have one of those yet!), the controls "respond" almost as slow and the great animation and crap that Sega Visions mag raved about and what is said on the back of the Beamish box (which is pretty much the same praise) are a total lie. Sure, the cartoons of Beamish LOOK great, but there's a difference between great-looking backgrounds and "animation", which there is actually very little animation, and it's not exactly exquisite, unlike how SegaVisions claimed.

Anyway, I don't really consider the Genesis cartridge Out of This World to exactly be a "game", and neither is Beamish. Granted, World is much more involved, but Beamish has considerably far less things for a player to do to get through the game, as the description for Beamish, rather than being classified as a game, is more along the lines of a "cartoon that you control", which brings to mind another interesting point in gaming history: the demise of point and click adventures (which this is), which are pretty much extinct nowadays (not counting some web sites out there that allow you to create your own little adventure games).

So, in this point and click "adventure" (more or less), you witness a few days in the life of a fairly bratty kid's antics (Beamish) and his family; rather than using any skill to beat ninjas, bosses, spaceships or whatever like in most games, pretty much all you do is that, upon being presented a situation, you figure out a solution (usually by multiple choice), which are mostly pretty hilarious, although this isn't very fun, challenging or fast. The packaging makes it look like it's aimed at kids, but it's mostly the adults who will understand [probably] the majority of the humor.

It's thin plot starts off with Beamish being stuck in detention during the last day of school, due to his frog Horny stealing the principal's toupee and hopping off with it. You must do various things to kill time with in detention; sneaking out can take off a few minutes here or there, but get busted by the wrong person/say the wrong thing, and the game will end, since you're going to be in big trouble if your not-so-great report card makes it home before you do. However, at least there's an icon in your backpack (great for storing several items that you'll find throughout the game as well) that will allow you to skip forward to the next segment of whatever place in the game you're at.

Once you get home (where the whole report card issue mysteriously disappears), other adventures unfold and the plot (somewhat) develops, as you find out that you must make it to the Nintari (heh, funny combo of two rival game company names, eh?) video game championship, which Horny (can't believe I'm using that word in a video game review) can help you get there, although additional family members that are introduced later (like your little sister) could hamper your chances of making it there; do the wrong thing, and it's off to military school with you, and the end of the game (no three lives here).

About the only REAL gameplaying you'll get here is when you go into your room and play your Nintari system with Willy's favorite game that's always plugged in (which is kind of a cross between a shooter and Tetris); other than that, whenever you're in a new place, you'll move your onscreen cursor around (after waiting a long time for the scene to load, usually), and if it turns into a magnifying glass, then pressing the B button on your controller will give you a description of what sounds like an older sarcastic guy describing the object, who is pretty funny.

That reminds me: the voice acting is either decent, or at least believable all throughout the game, and some of the funny parts you'll witness includes a funny retort when you tell your horrible teacher the name of your frog (which her response is "what did you call me?!"), a message on the answering machine at home left by a stoner-sounding guy asking your older sister out to the "Gums 'n Noses" concert (har!), and taking down a "wet paint" sign at a pizzeria and giving a correct item from your backpack to a bully so he'll light up a cigarette and blow himself out of the bathroom stall. Plus there's also a babysitter who literally turns out to be a witch...etc., etc.

There were several Beamish games that also came out for the PC, but old PC software is, in general, pretty hard to find, although hopefully those will run faster than this version. At least you get some "Laser Balls" to play with while you're waiting for a screen to load: just hold down the Start button and move them around the screen, making as many weird shapes as you like...then once the music starts up, it's time to stop playing with your balls (can't believe I said that either) and get back to the game.

Just don't expect it to test any of your reflexes or anything, aside from your funny bone.

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